The definition of Me

Cancer taught me many things....too many to count. But often I realize even more when looking back on all that I went through.
Through my treatment, and after, I was forced to redifine myself and the things I hold in priority. And because of it, I've written (to the best of my ability) the new appreciation I have for myself, sparing no thought to being modest because everyone at times has the right to be proud of themselves and love themselves completely.
This is my definition:


Definition of a Rachael Lyn Yahne

A paradox, a work of art, a beauty of a being.
A soul contained in the body of a Goddess defying the rules and living on earth.
A treasure map of a body, each inch an intricate quest, leading to the gift that is the next beautiful inch.
A symphony of a heart; a symphony of a thousand parts, a thousand parts composing songs of a thousand individual sounds with a thousand instruments. Each unique, each supplying its own exquisite tune, each beautiful…
At times off key, at moments off tempo, always setting their own rhythm, always perfect even in their imperfection.
An embodiment of confidence, grace and innocent, modest perplexing style.
Her chest labeled without words, yet screaming “Approach with caution: talent within. Beauty within. Enticement, sunshine, murky water, temptation, enlightenment, life within. True and real life within.”
The women, the women who pass her, constantly saying “ I cannot be her. Not because of whatever beauty her face holds, not because of the physical impossibility.
Because of the irreplaceable, un-replicable accent in which she speaks, nay she sings to the world in”
An unmistakable, unforgettable indifference.
A maze of disposition.
A smile of a hundred sun kissed eyes.
And your moment, supplied by fate, to witness. To admire. To let her change your life forever with a glance.
A moment alone in a moment of perfection.
A woman in the truest form. A feminine figure of individuality. A twist, a turn, a new icon of intrigue.
A woman, newly graced with a womanly shape and a head full of blooming chocolate chestnut hair. Freckled, scarred and still standing. Surviving odds and giving hope to disasters around her.
One of a kind. Copied but never duplicated. A flower in constant bloom.

news from normalcy

Hey guys
So I know its been a long time since i updated you....I'd like to say its because I've been SO incredibly busy that i just didn't have a spare moment to give to maintaining this site....but thats only partly true.
Yes, I've been busy. Working, school, friends, it eventually takes its tole on my sleeping schedule. But sleep can wait, especially since homework can't. I've been out having fun on the weekends, making new friends and my school and so forth. Even had a couple heart breaks, but I have to say that I'd much rather be heartbroken then fat and bald and boyfriendless all over again.
Now that i'm back in the swing, I've reassumed my position as president of the "cry on my shouler" committee. I guess things like cancer just stock you full of good advice or something. Just like me, my friends have been enduring some major teen-drama too. For those of you guys out there, just remember: love is ALWAYS worth the pain...But don't give those heartbreakers another chance to break your heart. As I've recently learned, you can only move on as fast as you allow yourself to.
On the brighter side, I have been crushing on a certain guy; his name is Julio. He's the shortstop for the Spokane Indians-currently crowned league champs. GO INDIANS!!!! Definetly check out their site and www.spokaneindiansbaseball.com and see my sweetie. He's quite a looker!
Other than all this, I've been starting the task of rebuilding those friendships that I left behind or simply pushed aside. For a certain person out there that I did this too-you know who you are-thank you for all the love and support you still continue to give. I love you more than words can describe and I will never let anything (and I mean A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G) come between us. You are my world.
Alright, I've almost finished my entry and I've yet to tell you my big news. I was avoiding it, but avoidence doesn't ease coping...My aunt Diane has recently be going through some major trauma. The possibility of her having lung cancer is hitting a little too close to home, especially since she never thought she'd be in the position I was recently in.
Yup, life sucks. Things are unfair, duh! And no, no one knows why. But as we've all learned, these are the things that make us stronger. She, being one of my most inspiring role models, will kick this thing like no other. So there's no worry coming from me for her, only understanding since I know all too well what she's getting into. But if there's anything I've shown its that cancer doesn't stand a chance in my fam-damily!
So update complete, I hope your all having a fabulous week. As my good friend used to always say: "keep your chin up, Wilbur!"
Kisses!

Good news!!!

Hey guys!
As you've probably already heard my scan came back clear. To add to the excitement, it also seems that the radiation shrunk the main mediastinal mass (tumor in my chest, though I think I misspelled a word....or two back there). And if all that good news wasn't enough to make your day, here is more: Kelsey comes home for the weekend TODAY!!! Only 8 more hours and the troublesome duo is reunited!
I wish I had time to write more....actually I don't. I'm glad I'm so busy these days. But I'll tell you all about Cali as soon as I catch my breath!
August completes my fourth month in remission! Thanks for sticking by me! Love you all!

The Last Leg of the Journey

Welcome to the last leg of our journey…
Today is the day that I consider my last and final step on the road to recovery. I’ll fly to California today to meet with Dr. Wolin and take numerous tests to verify one of two things. 1) obviously my favorite of the two: I am still cancer free and healthy, or 2) I still have work to do… Its raining in Spokane today, which is perfect whether for leaving in. Its much like the mood I have…gloomy, gray, a bit rough. No doubt the sun in shining where I am headed, so there is no point in stressing about weather.
But what is it I feel for this trip? Excitement? Fear? Anxiety? That can’t be deciphered, but what I do know is that I am incredibly sad that today of all days, I have to leave. My best friend Kelsey is one of the most amazing women I’ve ever met, and tomorrow she leaves for college. 72 miles away may not seem far to you, but when it’s the distance between you and the person you hide nothing from and share every moment with, its eternity. How I’ll make it through the year is a mystery. Most likely with thousands of long-distance phone calls, a couple dozen road trips, hundreds of emails, and of course the occasional tearful reunion followed by the even more tearful parting. But summer will come again and she’ll be back with me so we can parade around this city, causing trouble and chasing boys.
Speaking of causing trouble, you’ll be happy to know that I’ve made a good show of putting my life back together. I’ve made new friends, gotten a job as a receptionist, and even found an apartment to move into next month with my friend Ashley. I know a clutter-filled unit covered in makeup, old dishes, bare cupboards and clothes-scattered floors is in your mind, but stop the visual now. We intend to keep it at an impeccable standard of tidy.
The only problem is, with school starting and this trip determining the next few months of my life, I’ve had a hard time connecting to the world around me. Have people changed or have I? Is the life I created before cancer still the right life for me? Time will tell I suppose.
But now the time has come for me to board my plane, and return back to that time in my life that was one of the most painful, yet rewarding experiences of my life. Back to needles, x-ray machines, nurse visits, waiting rooms, the list never ends. I do know that, even in my fear, we cancer patients live a life of continual questioning. But this questioning is no reason to let the threat of the possible return of cancer to control us. It is often hard to rid ourselves completely of wondering, hoping, wishing that the demon that is cancer will not return, but it IS possible to forget about it.
Even if only for a little while, there are people in this world who can warm us enough to drain us of any doubt that the world is anything but perfect.
I love you all, thanks for sticking with me all this time. I’ll be home Wednesday, but you can expect a full report on my status well before then…so I’ll post my "results" here, same bat time same bat place.

I know what you want to hear...

Brace yourself for this dudes. Drumrole please...
Today was my very last day as a cancer patient! OH YEAH BABY! BOO YA! No more pills, no more chemo, and no more radiation. I am SO DUNZO! WHOA! Being normal is SO FUN! I must have forgotten for some strange reason…
Incase you were wondering, yes- you can now refer to me as Rachamo-queen of the cancer-kickers.
My wonderful brothers celebrated with me today with love-filled hugs and of course lots of “I’m so proud of you”s and “You’re my favorite sister”s. Easy for them to say, I’m their only sister!
So I’ve been out, dancing and mingling, enjoying my freedom which, all in all, will be quite short lived since school starts soon. Can you believe it?
But I was thinking, isn’t it funny how they say that you make up your mind about someone in the first three seconds of meeting them? It seems to me that most of the time, you meet someone only to find out they are totally not who they pretend to be. Be that good or bad, most of the time the truth only comes in super-shock-form. And sometimes, you even come to find out that after years of knowing someone, they can change so rapidly and so drastically. I see it as a chance to renew your friendship; a chance for a new friend in your life. Its easy to miss the person they used to be, but hey-no one can change for anyone but themselves.
Now I’ve braced myself, and I’m fully aware of the fact that now that I’m free and clear, my visits to this site will dwindle, much as they already have since my return. I don’t blame you guys, I’d rather you say whatever you want to tell me to my face than on here, now that I’m home and we can talk again. But for now, I’ll pretend that your all still patiently waiting for my next entry, and learning from all that I’ve been through.
They say that those who conquer obstacles only come out better for it…turns out that’s not a load of crock after all!
Later gators

teenagehood is hard!

Oh my gosh, it is NOT easy being a teenager!!! Let alone, one of those teens who is in the middle of capturing as much adolescence as I can while still embracing the adulthood that is steadily (and speedily) approaching. Why is it that other “grown ups” can’t understand that at 18 you should still be able to spend their money like a kid and have all the freedoms (like…say…curfew?) as an adult?? Is it THAT complicated?
Enough about that, what I really was saying is that this whole “teenager” thing is harder than I remembered. I mean, I realize its only as hard as I make it, but still! I was so excited to come back, but now all I can think is “this is what I wanted to come back to?”. Wearing make up every day, making sure your wearing the PERFECT outfit, hanging out with the right people at the right time, all while making sure you say something funny but not stupid, something smart but not cocky, cute but not immature. GEEZ!
Now, I won’t lie, I LOVE all this. Though I’ll admit that the drama gets a little hard to handle at times. And I’ll never be one of those girls who looks beautiful ALL the time. But for the most part, my personality is pretty keen. So what I lack in physical perfection I make up for in disposition and sociability.
Another hard part about being my age is defining what I believe in. I know what I feel is true and not true, for the most part. But in this day and age, its not exactly popular to be Christian. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that everyone should be Christian, I’m saying everyone should except everyone else for what they believe and respect that. For example, I respect that many of you don’t believe in what I believe in, but don’t judge me just because I believe in God. Its what makes me happy and its what I feel is right. Its something that motivates me. Whatever motivates you is fine by me, but we’re still all humans, right?
Okay, enough about that (and incase you didn’t catch it, that’s my wisdom for today). So yes, life is as normal as possible. Dess and Joel are finally home (THANK GOODNESS!) I’ve been so excited to see them, since Dess has played the role of my big sis since my diagnosis. And I could not have a better sister, trust me. So I hope life is great for you. And if you have a teen in the house, let them have some fun! (hint hint-MOM). Just kidding!

graduation spazitation

Yes, I know spazitation is not a word.
And yes, I also know its been a while, but what can I say? I DESERVE to get out and be a teenager!!
Lately I’ve been catching up with old friends and getting out on the town, which has been more than fun, let me tell you!
As for updates on my life, yes I recently graduated high school. And my-oh-my! That was quite the event! As you know, I was scheduled to speak at the ceremony. On the way up, I encountered a small problem-the realization that the speech I had written in front of me was, infact, quite crap…alright, so that’s a big problem. But I thought “hey, I kicked cancer’s butt, I can handle this”.
I started reading my original speech…and the next minute and a half went something like this:
“As a class we stand in front of a group of friends and family with our best smiles and a seemingly enthusiastic outlook on our lives. But hidden inside each of us is a secret fear that the real world will not meet our expectations. Far from the familiar scents and surroundings provided to us here in the past four years, we’ll attempt to build our lives…(this is right about when I closed my eyes and began to fold up the paper)…Look, this speech is alright, but its not what I want to say to my class today. I know I’m going to be in so much trouble for this, but…I’m just going to punt this speech. You know, when I found out our class song was “stand by me” I was really confused; its so generic, so used. But I believe that opposites attract. Outside the classroom we may learn our greatest lessons. In strangers we may find our best friends. And in the strangest places we may find the greatest love. It was in my darkest hour that I found my greatest light. When I was very sick, my class was there to help me through. They never turned their back and they were always there for me. Behind me are some of the most amazing and beautiful men and women in the world. Before I came down here, my friend Ian said “take off your wig, it’s the real you” and it made me realize that this class has never hidden who they are from me, so today I’ll show them the real me. (I STILL can’t believe I did this, but I took off my wig, and everyone cheered and gave me a standing ovation). Now I see that this song couldn’t be more perfect for us, because my class stood right beside me, and I want to tell all my classmates that I will always love you and I’ll always stand by you.”
It was featured on the front page of the local newspaper! And everyone (including my two “macho” brothers) cried. I’ve never been hugged so many times! People I don’t even know walked up t me and told me I inspired them. There is NO feeling like that in the world, to know that you’ve touched another person’s life and brought more compassion to someone’s existence.
I fully celebrated the event, and I’ve been going out dancing and having fun ever since. I may have been proud of myself before, but I really impressed myself this time.
As for what’s to come, I have radiation ahead and the anticipated return of my hair…although having it on my legs is anything but exciting! Just kidding, just kidding.
If you were at graduation, I’d love to hear what you think about the event, so let me hear your thoughts in my guest book.
Also, my friend, hero, and basically big sister Dess and her husband Joel will be coming home soon. They’ve been traveling around the United States helping people in need and sharing God’s word. They’ll be visiting for only a few weeks I think, but I’ve been dying to see them, so of course I couldn’t be more excited.
As for you guys, I hope you all doing well, and I promise to be more interesting from now on. No more weeks in between entries, I promise!
Later gators.